Comment on Mr. Ahern’s statement
According to Bertie Ahern, the prime minister of Ireland, the overwhelming majority of the Irish have benefited from the economic boom in about equal measure.
While everyone would agree that the Celtic Tiger has brought many positive aspects to Ireland, like for example people’s health or increase of the birth numbers, it surely did not affected every citizen equally.
In the latest statistics you can see in the period of the economic boom between 1994 and 2001 the percentages of adults who received an income of less than half the national median income, which had a percentage of 4.3 in 1994 and a steady growth to 12.4%.
However in other researches, which show the proportion of people in each employment category who receive less than half the national median income, you can see an even more extreme raise of percentage. In year 1991 only a tenth of the handicapped citizen earned less than 50% of the national median income, but 2001 the proportion has grown to over a half of the disabled people.
So the statistics clearly show that the economic boom has affected the Irish folk differently and not only positively and that Mr. Ahern’s statements are mainly positive in order to back up his career and image.
ACB 
Hey 🙂
You have chosen convincing examples to support your opinion.Maybe you could give more conclusions about the data you have analyzed.
But good work! 🙂
See you!
Hi Aries,
nice work!You chose good examples of data. But I don’t really get the intention of your conclusion. Is it also your opinion or only the conclusion of what you wrote before?
As you said it should be the conclusion of what I wrote.
Guess I’ve to work on my techniques how to wrote a conclusion properly.
Anyway thanks for the comments you guys :>
Hi Aries!
Some quick feedback – here we go:
a) structure
–> Your own opinion has to be given in the introduction. If your 2nd paragraph is still part of your conclusion everything´s fine (maybe you should put the introduction into one single paragraph, so the structure becomes clearer).
–> Your conclusion works for me, although (as Figen has already mentioned in her comment) you should be careful with too strong moral judgement (Please don´t get me wrong: You CAN do that, only be a little gentle about it!)
b) content
–> FORMER Prime Minister
–> data-based facts in the main part are a little too short
–>If you start your sentence with „However“, this indicates that the following passage contradicts the preceding statement, but I think you wanted to add another, even stronger point, didn´t you? You´d use a connective like MOREOVER, FURTHERMORE, ADDITIONALLY etc..
c) language
paragraph 2: „it did not AFFECT“
paragraph 3: time (~zeitangabe) goes at the end of the clause.
paragraph 4: possible nounss for „Anstieg“ growth, rise, increase, boost // CITIZENS // HAD grown
paragraph 5: „has affected the Irish PEOPLE IN DIFFERENT WAYS and not only positively…“
————
All in all, I´d say this is a good start, well done!